Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Door of My Heart

By choice I go through life with my heart wide open. Long ago I removed the hinges from the door of my heart and threw them and the door away. It was a strange and risky feeling at first. I argued with God about it, which I have a tendency to do at times. It seems that though I argue I usually do in the end surrender to the guidance I receive. I did in this case as well and actually went through the physical motions of it in a meditation and unscrewed each screw and threw all of it away. It was a powerful and unusual meditation and it changed my life.

I did have a question though, as I got used to the feeling. “It feels like it could just fall right out of my chest. What happens if it does?” The response I received was simple, “Good. Watch where it falls, for there love will grow in abundance.”

There wasn’t much argument I could make in the face of a statement like that. Instead I learned to not just live with it, but to enjoy the feeling of a wide open heart. A wide open heart is more in touch with the wonder of life, it can receive more freely when there is no door to knock on and conversely it can give more freely as well.

It wasn’t an easy thing to get used to though. There are times when the feeling of vulnerability was overwhelming. I had to learn to be really still with that feeling and move forward anyway knowing that I was safe, knowing that my heart was strong and trustworthy. It led to the learning that beneath and supporting my human heart was an unbreakable heart. A heart that was untouched by the things in life that made me feel vulnerable. A heart that knows the truth of who I am. A heart that is the place where the Divine resides with the human within me. I began to learn to live from that unbreakable heart.

There are lots of moments when I really wish I had something there to protect the oh so human heart though, and I certainly still forget to live from the unbreakable heart at times. There are times with that door gone, when it feels like someone or something can walk up and throw a hand grenade right in and blast the place apart. There are plenty of people I meet who don’t believe it’s genuine the way I live. I’ve learned to be still with that and let them get to know me and decide for themselves. I have even had moments of thinking about just replacing that dang door. Whenever I tried to put up a barrier in anyway though, it felt so unnatural and uncomfortable and quite frankly just not who I was anymore.

Despite the hand grenades occasionally chucked in, I wouldn’t live any other way now. And having that door gone is even helpful when the explosions come along – the fragments that get blasted loose don’t get lodged in the heart so easily. They fly free of the heart where I can see them better, where I can pick them up and honor them and release them. Not much fun at times I admit, but worth it at the end of the process (yes, I kid myself that there is an end to the process!).

The best part though is getting to share from my heart with no barriers, loving in a way I had not loved before – and that includes loving myself as well. Coming to know the heart that resides within me has been a great challenge and a great joy – a journey I would walk again in a heartbeat.


emiy said...

Thank you for this post. What a difficult thing to achieve (for a lot of us). I want more info on this part of your journey!

Kathy said...

I should be working but for some reason I was drawn to your blog instead. I was just praying for a softer heart this morning so your blog was very relevant to me. Thanks for making me smile in the middle of my crazy day!

Lynda Allen said...

Thank you both for your comments. Emiy, it was definitely a challenge to learn to live that way and yet it also felt like my natural state of being that I was remembering - like a homecoming. I'm sure I will write more about it! Kathy, I'm glad you blew off work to read it! :) I'm glad it spoke to you. You have a beautiful heart already!

Mary Batson said...

Beautiful, Lynda - just posted this to my Patchwork Heart workshop group. Perfect timing for our ongoing discussions. Thank you so much, sweet friend.